Intellectual Starvation aka Pity Party bka Stir Crazy

It’s funny I drafted this slip of a post below over a year ago and never posted it but I’m still struggling with the main point of it. I am still questioning whether or not writing is my path.

 

Maybe I started it myself with all my “fashion” posting and dedication to that blog versus actually doing what I need to do. I’ve been out of school for six months now and how many completely new poems have I written? Zero. Zilch. Nada. Why? Quite frankly I think I’ve burned myself out. Sure I get tweaks of jealousy and inspiration when I see others writing or hearing of their accomplishments, but have I truly picked up a pen? Nope. As afraid as I am to admit it, I think I don’t care anymore (or at least right now). It’s been a long road and now that I’ve reached the home stretch I don’t know if I have what it takes to continue.

I can’t begin to express how sure I am that reading essay after essay is killing my own desire to write, that when I think of trying to write myself, it’s been stifled. I was made aware this was a possibility, but for it to hit this hard? I didn’t expect it. I can’t stop myself from thinking of the adage “Those who can’t teach, those who can do.” Is that really me? Is the reason I’ve been turned down by Cave Canem twice now due to me being simply mediocre? Are my publication rejections due to my work not being up to snuff?

In my old blog(s) I tried to write about what it feels like to have the world seemingly moving forward for everyone around you and you are still standing in place. I’ve been called impatient on more than one occasion by more than one person and honestly when I’m having my moments when I am completely open and honest? I call bullsh*t. Why? Because I think I am extraordinarily patient. By definition what I’ve done these last eight years required patience, sacrifice and hardwork. Not only did I go to school full time, I also held down 1-3 jobs while doing so. So coming out with education and job experience I figured I’d be better off then where I am. Yes, I’m a college professor. So? Yes, I get to do what I went to school to do. So? I could have walked into some random job out of high school and made this salary and a lot more. Don’t get me wrong. At the end of the day it’s not all about salary. What it is about is equal payoff and results. Yes I know life isn’t fair and to be honest, there are many times when I’ve resigned myself to the fact that this is it. No matter how many degrees, how much job experience, how qualified or prepared I am, this…slow drowning is it.